Tears from the Heart
by Nymphe TDW
Summary: The men take her for granted. Kaoru suffers in her soul and heart, but she never shows it. The last drop falls and Kaoru loses herself. Based on “Kaoru, Ecstatic”, eps 66
1. Part I

D isclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin 

Rating: T some swearing

**Tears from the Heart**

By Nymphe

_Summary:_ The men take her for granted. Kaoru suffers in her soul and heart, but she never shows it. The last drop falls and Kaoru loses herself. (Based on "Kaoru, Ecstatic", eps #66)

* * *

_PART I – HEARTBREAK_

The situation

Kaoru is 20 years old and her deepest wish is that Kenshin would return her feelings. (He lives already three years in the Kamiya Dojo.) The baka is too thick-headed to see that holding back his feelings is hurting Kaoru. He keeps holding on to his mask, his stupid rurouni innocent facade. It is killing Kaoru's soul and fire bit by bit. Yahiko's name-calling isn't helping to boast her ego. But Kaoru never let them see the pain that her soul bears. She smiles or hits the insults away. But there is just so much one person can take. The last drop fell when Kenshin gave Kaoru a ring on Tanabata that he had found.Then the problems started to arise. First, they found the owner of the ring, second he didn't know that it was Tanabata and last the baka didn't knew the meaning of the 'engagement' ring. Now they have to get the ring back, without hurting Kaoru's feelings, but that will be inevitable. Yahiko and Sano tried with tricks to get the ring back (while Kenshin was still fainted of shock under a tree), but they failed miserably. The time has come to be honest, so Kenshin confesses.

Present

(Kaoru's POV)

"It's over Kaoru-dono. I'm so sorry."

Kenshin explained how he got the ring and Kaoru watched him speechless. The words slowly registered in her mind, while Yahiko and Sanosuke tried to take the ring off of her finger.

They tried and tried, but the ring wouldn't come off. Slowly her shock wore off…

"It won't move at all!"

"How come it won't come off?"

"Hmmn, I think Kaoru-dono practiced too much ken Jutsu, so her fingers are thicker than a normal woman's."

"I've got fat fingers… That must be why…" whispered Kaoru.

I hid my face behind my bangs. I didn't want them to watch my eyes water. I took my hand out of Sano's and stood up. With ease I removed the phoney ring and threw it at Yahiko. Silently I retired to my room. Before I closed the shoji, I heard the men running out of the dojo. _I could have known. I should have known. This was too good to be true. Kenshin. Proposing to me! Why would he even propose to a girl, a child like me? An ugly tomboy with fat fingers…_

I looked at myself in the mirror. My blue eyes glazed over and became dull. The spark died… _So it's true what Yahiko says. I'm too old and ugly. I hit men, for crying out loud. I should have married three years ago. I can't cook or act refined. No wonder men can't see me as a woman._

My vision blurred… and silently I let myself cry to sleep. _Tonight I will allow it. I will show my weak side. Tomorrow I will smile again and act like nothing happened, like all the other times. _

Or so she thought…

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

(Normal POV)

Meanwhile

The men brought the ring back to the rightful owner and watched the wedding. With a last congratulation to the newly weds, they walked back home.

"Jou-chan took it well. I thought she would make a scene. Cry or beat the shit out of some one."

"Yeah, busu was silent, so unlike her."

"She'll get over it. By tomorrow she will forget everything, ne Kenshin."

"Sessha doesn't think it will be so easy, that he thinks not. Sessha thinks sessha hurt Kaoru-dono's feelings."

"The old hag is forgiving and she will certainly forgive you."

It was already late and the men parted to their respective bedroom. But before Kenshin retired, he wanted to check on Kaoru. She was asleep with her back towards him. He never saw the dry path of the fallen tears.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

(Kaoru's POV)

The next day, the morning started as usual. Kenshin was the first one up. He made breakfast and the other boys woke up by the wonderful aroma. Yahiko woke Kaoru in his usual manner.

"Hey, you old hag, get your lazy bum out of the futon."

His noise awakened her and she remembered yesterday. Silently a few tears travelled downwards. She noticed this and told herself she had to be strong, so she wiped them away and plastered her smile in place. But today it seemed so difficult. It was hard to keep the smile intact.

Sitting in front of the mirror to comb her hair, her brush fell to the floor because of the shock of what she saw reflecting in the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy. The shinning blue had changed in a broken, dull blue. Resembling her spirit perfectly. _Luckily my bangs are long. They will cover my eyes nicely…_

She dressed herself in a kimono before going to the dinning room to eat breakfast.

She walked in and sat quietly at her place. Yahiko started fighting with Sano over the rice, while Kaoru picked at hers. _Everything is like it was the day before yesterday. They act like nothing happened. _

She peeked at Kenshin. _Even he acts his normal rurouni way. I can't take this. What's wrong with me? I don't feel like eating or practicing. Perhaps I should go to town, maybe visit Tae… but avoid Megumi, if she would find out what happened, she surely would make some cruel jokes. I can't take it. I have to get out of the dining room, before I suffocate._

"Hey ugly, are ye going to eat the rest?" _Ugly… Get a hold of yourself. Don't let them know you're hurt. Act!_

"No, Yahiko-chan, I'm not." I gave him the rice and left the room.

"Oi, ye old hag, don't call me chan."

I never responded to that.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

"Kenshin, I'm going into town…"

"Kaoru-dono, daijobu ka?"

"Hai, I'm fine." I gave him my plastered smile while covering my eyes. I saw he wanted to look into my eyes to see if I lied, but I turned around and left.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

I walked to the market and looked at several things. I started to feel a little better until some women talked.

"Did you hear what happened to the Kamiya girl?"

"Talk about embarrassment."

"If you ask me, it's his fault."

"Poor girl."

"Yes, having a crush on an older man who stamps on your heart like that."

"Well, it was about to happen, she can never satisfy such a great handsome swordsman…"

"Yes, she's a tomboy. She doesn't even know how to cook!"

"I heard she burnt down the kitchen twice already."

And they laughed.

Biting my lips, I wandered away to the river. Their conversation replayed in my head over and over again. _Oh Kami, I'm a stupid little girl with a misplaced crush. It isn't a crush, it's love! I feel it and it hurts. It hurts intolerably._

I tried to compose myself while strolling towards the Akabeko.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

"Hey Tae-san, can I have tea?"

"Kaoru-chan, come here. I'm glad you're here. I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Yes, Tae-san?"

"I'll get the tea first."

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

"Here you are."

"Thank you."

Tae played nervously with her fingers.

"Well, I don't know how to say this, but I kind of put Kenshin-san to it. You know, giving you the ring that he had found? He didn't know the meaning of it, but he does now." _That explains why he gave it to me in the first place. Tae-san, look what mess you brought me in. I don't want to think about it. What will he think about it? How will he take it. My reaction when I got the ring gave away my feelings… That means he knows them. He's going to tread me like a girl with a crush or worse tell me he can't respond to it… I'm not ready to hear that from him. I'm already hurt, I can't take more from him._

"I see…"

"Please forgive me."

"Of course I forgive you. You meant well."

_I'm the idiot who believes in happy ending stories and true love at first sight…_

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

We talked about other things and I put my hurtful feelings away. _She really is a good friend. She wants to help and brighten me up._

On the background I heard Sano and Yahiko walking in and sitting in a boot before us. I heard the word ring and I started to focus on their conversation.

"Yeah, and busu went googol-eyes on him."

"Hahaha. What I found hilarious was Kenshin's reaction when he found out he was engaged to Jou-chan. I never thought the legendary Battousai would faint and be in shock for at least two hours."

"Well I would be too, if I would propose to such an old hag."

My face turned white and Tae noticed it.

I said goodbye to Tae and left through the backdoor. I didn't want to see their faces. I'm positive Tae will tell them that I overheard their conversation.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

_It's worse than I thought. FAINTED! CHOCKED! Am I that terrible that he can't see a woman in me, or wife material? Oh no, please I can't have that bad karma… Please don't let Megumi see me. _

"Ah, Kaoru-chan, there you are. Hohohoho. You're quite the subject on conversation today."

"So, I noticed." _Please don't talk about that. I don't know if I could hide my tears any longer or hold my smile into place…_

"What were you thinking, you sweaty little girl? Did you really think a strong beautiful man, like Kenshin would marry a little girl, like you, when he can have real women? He doesn't even see you as one. You're nothing but a younger sister to him that needs protection from the big bad world. If you ask me, I don't even know why he stays at such a rundown dojo. Must be pity. Hohoho"

My anger grew a little by insulting my dojo and I welcomed the feeling.

"That dojo is my home and if you don't like it then you're not welcome there!" and I stepped away from the doctor.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

I wanted to be alone. I only knew one place. It was the place where I went to release my feelings after my father left me all alone in this world. It was a cave in the middle of the forest. No one will find me there. The second I entered the cave my smile fell and my true feelings crept out. Falling to the dirty floor I was swallowed by my thoughts and self-pity.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

Hours passed, the sun was almost under. I arrived at the dojo with a dirt-covered kimono. I took the backdoor, because I knew Kenshin was probably waiting at the front. I changed into a clean kimono and took my yukata to the bathhouse. I heard Kenshin running towards me. With my back towards him, I just walked to my destination, totally ignoring him.

"Kaoru, where have you been?" He came closer and was about to touch my shoulder. I pulled away before he could touch me. I was glad that the sun was almost under and that my hair covered my face.

"I… I was worried." _I guess he'll always see me as a little girl with a need for protection. I don't want to talk to him now. I can't stay here with these memories and embarrassments. I can't stay with him…_

"Please, can we talk about yesterday?" _I can't take his rejection now…_

"I'm tired." And walked to the bathroom.

"Ok, we'll talk tomorrow." _There will be no 'we' tomorrow…_

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

Three in the morning, everything was quiet. Almost everything.

Bathing, packing and four hours sleep seemed enough to go through with my plan. I put some kimonos under my blanket. It will give me at least an extra two hours… I left a note and departed the dojo through the backdoor. _I left. I still can't believe it… I left my heritage, my dojo, my home… Kenshin. I don't know if I would ever give up kendo, but I can decide on that later. First I have to get as far away from them as possible. Then I will send word to Misao. She'll recognise my sorrow because of a certain iceberg. Maybe she wants to travel with me. I'll ask. In the next town I'll send her a letter by pigeon, with an address for her reply._

And the night swallowed her…

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

(Normal POV)

Morning, at the dojo.

"Wake up, busu. You need to train me after breakfast." Yahiko peeked in her room and saw 'her' in her futon.

"Ye old lazy hag, if you stay in bed, I will eat your food…" And he ran towards his food.

Sano and Kenshin were already at the table, waiting for the other two members of their makeshift family.

"Where's Kaoru-dono?"

"Still sleeping. I can't get her lazy bum out of the futon."

"You went in Jou-chan's room?"

"What! Do you think I'm an idiot like you? I don't have a death-wish yet."

"What did you call me, Yahiko-chan?"

"Don't call me CHAN, ye Roosterhead."

"Maa maa, Kaoru-dono will probably still be tired. She was rather worn out yesterday when she came home. We'll wake her up in an hour or so."

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

An hour later.

KNOCK KNOCK

"Kaoru-dono? Are you awake?" He peeked in the room and saw 'her' under her blanket. Silently he moved towards the futon and knelled down.

"Kaoru-dono, wake up…" He shook 'her'.

"Kaoru?"

He removed the blanket and a dreadful shock flowed through him. He stood, looked around the room and ran through their home calling Kaoru.

Yahiko and Sano heard his cries.

"What's wrong Kenshin?"

"What's wrong Kenshin, why are you calling Busu?"

"Kaoru isn't here. Under her blanket were kimonos stacked. She isn't in the dojo."

"She's probably at the market or did she had an early training at the dojo across town?"

"No, she would have told sessha and that doesn't explain why her travel bag is missing in her room with a few kimonos…"

The three men went back to her room and searched for clues of her whereabouts.

Yahiko found the note. Sano took it and read it out loud.

'Take care of my dojo. Kaoru.'


	2. Part II

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin 

Rating: T some swearing

**Tears from the Heart**

By Nymphe

_Summary:_ The men take her for granted. Kaoru suffers in her soul and heart, but she never shows it. The last drop falls and Kaoru loses herself. (Based on "Kaoru, Ecstatic", eps #66)

* * *

_PART II – TORTURED SOULS_

(Normal POV)

At the Kamiya Dojo

"Hey, is anybody here? Oh there you three are. You look like someone died…"

"Shut up, Kitsune."

"Kaoru's missing."

"Oh, the sweaty little girl went away. Hohohoho. Couldn't take the criticism."

"What criticism are you talking about, Megumi-dono?"

"Didn't you hear, whole Tokyo is talking about what happened two days ago. Luckily I met her and told her the truth."

"What truth?"

"Well, Ken-san, that a racoon-child like her could never win the affection of a strong handsome man like you. She's better of forgetting about her little infatuation."

"You told her WHAT?" He was raging. The Battousai in him wanted to break free and yell or hit the meddling woman.

"Oef, and I thought it was our fault she was gone."

"Shht, Yahiko."

"What are you talking about?" he barked.

"Nothing."

"Sano!"

"Well, we were at the Akabeko and we kind of had a conversation about the eum, event of two days ago. We were talking about Kaoru's crazy reaction and attitude after you gave her the ring and that you fainted when you found out you were engaged, and she kinda overheard us…"

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

(Kaoru's POV)

_Ouch, sleeping in the forest isn't pleasant. I can't believe my Kenshin slept almost for ten years in such uncomfortable places… There I go again. He isn't mine! Kaoru forget him, he'll forget about you too. You're not important to him._

I stood and walked away from Tokyo, from my home, from Kenshin.

_I'm still four hours away from the next village._

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

(Kenshin's POV)

_How could she say those things to my Kaoru! She doesn't even know my feelings on the subject. Meddling woman… And Sano and Yahiko telling that in a public place. Telling out loud… __It's my own damn fault. I chased her away. The best thing that happened to me was here, close by and I just let her whiter away. Now, she's gone and my reason to exist too. _

I knelled down and looked at the moon in the sky.

_Will she see the moon also? W… Will she think of me, like I'm thinking of her? Thinking of her isn't enough! I need to see her smiling face. I need to feel the skin of her hand when I 'accidentally' touch her. I need her… So goddamn much… I love you, Kaoru. I always did. I'm sorry I did not show it to you. I'm sorry I did not tell you… Please come back to me… When you come back to me, you're mine. I'm not letting you go again… My sweet, beautiful Kaoru. Please, come back soon. I need you…_

I wiped my fallen tears away.

"Beautiful moon, ne Kenshin?"

"Sano, what do you want?"

"I'm just wondering why you're still here."

"Why would sessha leave?"

"To find Missy, of course! You need to bring her back to us."

"Sessha can't."

"Don't begin with sessha! You're not unworthy of her."

"She's pure and innocent. Sessha isn't."

"Missy loves you for you. She doesn't care about your past or the consequences."

"But I do! What will the townspeople think if she'll marry me?" _A manslayer covered with blood, mixing tainted blood in a proud Kamiya-bloodline. _"They will harass her even more! And what if my enemies found out that I have taken a wife?" _Then she will be targeted for revenge._

"She already is in danger by letting you stay with her. She knows she can count on you and she still loves you, even after all the threats. You've protected her before. I know you live to protect her from any harm. And let me tell you something… You're not doing a good job. You're p…"

"I know. I made her feel sad, when it wasn't even needed…"

"Then go after her!"

"I can't."

"What is holding you back. You just made it clear to yourself that you're not unworthy in her eyes and I know you need Missy."

"She asked me to stay."

"When?"

"By telling us that we have to take care of her dojo. She will come back. It's her home and I will be waiting for her. Just like she waited those three years for me."

"You're going to sit around and do absolutely nothing? What if something happened on the way?"

"I've already send a letter to Aoshi. He'll be trailing her and protecting her from any harm, until she is ready to come back home."

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

(Kaoru's POV)

In the next village I sent word to Misao. In Nakatsugawa I found Misao sitting by the fountain.

"Misao-chan, over here!"

"Kaoru-chan there you are! Aoshi got a letter from Himura. He wanted that the Oniwaban-shu searched for you. What happened?"

"Not now, Misao. Let's find a place to sit and where we can talk quietly and undisturbed. But first did you tell someone where you went?"

"No, I didn't. Aoshi was meditating again. I told Jiha that I would take a trip to clear my head. On my way out I found the letter for Aoshi from Himura. I kind of read it and took it with me."

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

Sitting under a bridge by the riverside Misao's curiosity peeked.

"So what happened."

I told her the story and what had happened the following days. At the end I was crying my heart out in Misao's arms.

"It hurts so much, Misao-chan. So much that I wished I never knew what love was… What will he think of me? I don't want to be his younger sister. I don't… I don't… It hurts… My heart feels like it's being squished and ripped out…"

All my emotions poured out. I was afraid of losing myself in them. Never in my life did I feel as weak as I felt now.

_Love, look what you reduced me to. A heartbroken soul, doomed to wander in the dark. Never shall I see a ray of light again._

"I'm weak, in every possible way…"

"You're not weak, Kaoru-chan. You're one of the strongest women I know. Look at me."

She made me look at her.

"Crying is not a sign of weakness. It's an emotion, and as long you possess emotions you're strong. You followed him all the way from Tokyo to Kyoto. You stayed to fight. That takes a strong woman and if they can't see that than they are just dump men!"

I was surprised with these words, but it didn't help my current situation. Kenshin did not see me and will never see me as a woman. That was my problem.

"But Kenshin…"

"We'll let him see what you are made off. We'll let him see what strong women we are. Oh, I have it. Let's make a pact!"

"A pact?"

"Yes, a pact. We'll train together to become strong women. I'll teach you how to handle kunai. We'll become strong enough to defend ourselves, without the help of men. We'll become strong enough to take down our men's enemies, without their help!"

_Perfect! If he sees I don't need any help in protecting myself, then maybe, just maybe… He'll see more in me than a little sister in need of protection. But…_

"Who will teach us to become strong enough?"

"We'll teach ourselves and we'll pick some fights and learn a few new moves on our journey."

"Journey?"

"Yes, we can't stay in one place. The Oniwaban-shu will look for us. We have to escape their watching eye. Luckily, I know how. I'll also teach you that. Oh, it'll be so much fun. Travelling alone is boring, but now I have you with me. At night, we'll tell stories around our fire. We can train in the morning and cook dinner together. Don't forget about laundry…"

"I guess I'll learn more on this trip than just defending myself." I muttered under my breath.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

(Kenshin's POV)

I was becoming hysteric. We had send another letter to Aoshi and found out that the first one never reached him. There was also stated that Misao had disappeared and that they will be looking for the two girls. If Misao's disappearance had something to do with Kaoru, then we have to forget about the search. Misao knows how to become invisible and she will make Kaoru also undetectable.

_I have to find her. I need to know if she's alright. Why doesn't she sent me a letter? I want to go after you. I want… But I promised that I'll take care of the dojo. I'm not breaking another promise. Kami, why do you torture me so? I can only hope that she will come home soon… Please be alright. _

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

(Kaoru's POV)

The sun rose over the horizon. And as always, I woke up first. After cleaning myself in the small river, I took off to hunt for some food. At first it was hard. But I soon learned some tricks to catch ourselves a good meal. The food I made became more eatable by the day. Misao gave me some easy pointers that I could use to cook.

_It's already been a month. A month away from home. How are they doing? Is Yahiko still doing his exercises? Is there still enough money? How is K… Kenshin doing?_

A tear rolled down my cheek.

_He'll probably hate me by now. Perhaps he started to travel again… Oh, Kenshin, why can't I mean something to you… _

I heard a noise to my right. Turning around I took three kunais. Seeing it was a rabbit, I threw them into the direction of the animal.

With a smile on my face, I strolled towards our camp.

Putting the catch above the newly made fire, I woke Misao up.

"Misao, wake up!"

"Kaoru, what? Mmm, is that rabbit I smell?"

"Yes."

"Did you skin it this time?"

"Yes."

"And made it like I showed you?"

"Yes."

"Give me, give me."

I laughed.

"It isn't ready yet, Misao. I also have to cook the rice."

"Then why did you woke me up? I was dreaming heavenly… Aoshi-sama was on his knees proposing to me."

"Go wash yourself, Misao. Breakfast will be ready when you come back."

And she ran towards the stream.

"I will be back real soon, Kaoru. Hurry up with the food, because I'm starving."

In the past month, Misao grew on me. I started to look at her as my little sister. She doesn't like it when I call her little.

_Just like Yahiko… Go away homesickness._

But she is almost two years younger than me… Because of our band, I threw away the honorific. She did the same. We weren't children any more. We are growing. This trip would make us strong independent women.

"Iek, Kaoru, help!"

I ran towards the stream.

"What's wrong, Misao!"

"A snake! It's there, under the leaf. Get it away!"

With a stick, I removed the leaf with caution.

"It's a worm, Misao."

I showed it to her.

Embarrassed she answered back: "I knew that."

_But we still have a long way to go._

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

With meat in our stomach, we began our morning training in the forest. Today, we will start to combine our two styles. I learned her the basics of kendo and she learned me a few moves. Now, we will teach ourselves how to speed up in an attack or defence. I'll work on jumping higher and faster. I could use it in an attack for more power or as a side pas to get myself away from my attacker. Misao will work on using speed in her advantage in a fight. By using speed in an attack or blocking, you'll regain more power. She'll be learning it with a bokken in her hands. All morning we were practicing, until we were bathing in our own sweat.

The sun was higher in the sky and after refreshing ourselves, we dressed ourselves in kimonos and went into town to find something to eat. For eating, we needed money. We worked in the afternoon around town. Luckily for us, there was enough work. But there was something missing in our lives and we found out what is was.

We'll become strong women, but that didn't made us more feminine. People would see us even more as tomboys if we started to defeat men. We went to the only people we knew that could act refined and we begged them to teach us. That's why, at night, you could find us at a geisha's home. She taught us the different arts of being a refined woman. It was hell and it seemed like we didn't learn anything at all. It looked like a waste of money, but after weeks of practicing, our poster was perfect.

After six months of travelling from one town to the other, we set foot in Otsu.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

Dressed in a fine kimono, we walked out of the geisha's house. You could not read it from our faces, but we were ecstatic. We could perform the tea-ceremony with natural grace. Our minds were too busy to notice that we were being followed. Four men were closing us in. When Misao yelled, I became aware of our situation. Someone had grabbed Misao from behind. She tried to kick him, but with our kimonos, we were limited to a couple of moves. I took out the kunai and threw one in the shoulder of Misao's attacker. Immediately, he let her go and started to curse. Back to back, we were facing our attackers with only kunai. I had left my bokken at the hotel. _Stupid me._ Our attackers drew their swords. _We are in deep shit! I'm sorry Kenshin…_

"Stupid whore! You'll pay for that!"

"Don't call her a whore, you imbecile!"

"Misao, ssht…"

"Men, I think we have captured a pair of spitfires."

"You haven't captured us yet!" I threw my kunai into his kneecap and with satisfaction, I heard him yell in agony. The three others came towards us and I heard Misao ripping her kimono. She kicked one in the stomach and she punched the other in the face, while I was dodging the other one's sword. I wanted to attack, but I did not hear Misao anymore. I made a fatal move, I looked behind me. Searching for Misao, I saw the two men throwing her into the mud. The one I wanted to attack, grabbed my arm and twisted it. I yelled in pain while my kunai touched the ground. _No…_

"Do you call yourself men? Let them go or I shall teach you some manners on how to treat a lady."

"Who the hell are you?"

"I do not give my name when it is not needed. Now let them go."

"They are ours. Search your own."

"I do not think they want to be yours. Let them go!"

The one that held me, threw me into the mud, next to Misao. He clutched his sword and attacked our wannabe-rescuer. I did not see what happened next. Our rescuer was moving too fast for my eyes. _Just like Kenshin._ _No, Kenshin is the fastest._ From one moment to the next, the four swine's were unconscious. From the mud we looked up to our rescuer. Our eyes widened with the sight.

"Well, well. What do we have here… It's a good thing that they have tasty sake in Otsu."


End file.
